Below is a stream of unedited consciousness that I wrote while recently in the pit of despair. Though at the time I could not accurately see what had pushed me over the edge into the abyss, I now see there was a distinct catalyst. A spark. An inciting incident. That detail does not matter though. I want you to know what yanked me up out of the pit and helped me escape. I reached out for help. The objective counsel I received countered the voice in my head and renewed my hope. If you are in the pit, I know it is a scary place. Reach out for help. No one else can do it for you. Without further ado, here are my unabridged thoughts from the pit.

Hey guys! So, here I am deep in a pit of despair. Hard to say what all has dragged me down here. But down here I sure am. The blanket of depression seems to have grown in weight this go round. When will this session end? When can I go back to feeling light and free and happy? Why does this happen? Is there something wrong with me? Of course there is! But what? Why can’t I overcome this? Why doesn’t my husband ever deal with the pit? Why only me? I feel so alone down here. It’s not that I wish anyone else had to endure this darkness. I just don’t understand why I am the only one down here. Except I have a friend who I know understands the pit. I finally reached out to her today. I felt weak and needy. Not what I want to be as a friend. But if I don’t reach out to her, who else is there? I am so untethered from all those who use to be anchors. I have no one right now. Not really. I have people who are kind to me. But I don’t have that person who really gets me. Knows me. Has seen me in the pit and loved me anyway. I am alone. I’m clinging to God’s Word just like I exhorted everyone on my blog to do when in the pit. But, man, it’s hard! I just want to slip away. Be all done. I haven’t battled these thoughts for several years. I hate that they are back. But it makes sense when considering that horrific fight I had with my husband out of the blue and over such a stupid thing. Our relationship hasn’t felt quite right since then. And then little things happen that seem to ignite the whole madness all over again. We talked to our counselor once so far since things flared up. It was very helpful. But we’re so messed up. I’m tired of trying. I want to walk away. To where? The only place I want to go is Heaven. And that would require suicide. Which is wrong. That would hurt my daughters. But what if they didn’t exist. Would I actually ever go through with it? Am I that weak? Would I give up that easily? I feel like such a loser. Even to think about wanting to die like that. But then I know Moses, Jeremiah, Elijah, and probably other godly men I’m forgetting wanted to in the Bible. This life is hard. I don’t understand the cloud currently raining down on me. But, my God does. And this is light and momentary in comparison to when I do actually get to walk the streets of gold. So, I cling to that promise. That this is light and momentary. Because that truth and promise brings comfort. And I for sure need comfort. I also need sleep. And so I’ll sign off from the pit. Don’t give up. Know I am not either. I promise.

That’s the end of the writing from the pit of despair. Rereading it makes me cringe, but I think it is important for you to see what people battle in their head at times. If you can at all relate to what I wrote, I urge you to pour your heart out to God and then immediately reach out to a friend, pastor, or counselor. A wise person in my life said this is also what helps him when he is struggling with the voice in his head: go to God then go to others.

When battling despair, we desperately need an objective person to help us sift through reality and renew our hope. While in the pit, the “horrific fight I had with my husband” seemed to be my main issue. But once I sat face to face with another person, the real issue came into focus and it had nothing to do with my spouse. Additionally, the fight was not in fact horrific. And what in the world is up with me only mentioning my daughters? My sons would be ok with me dropping off the face of the earth? When in the pit, my perspective was majorly unreliable.

Satan wants to destroy us. For some people, he uses our very own voice to do so. God wants us to live. To have hope. To be full of joy. If you are in the pit, please reach out for help. The person that ended up helping me this go round had thought I was fine until I opened up and within minutes had clearly revealed I was, in that person’s accurate description, “a hot mess.” Others cannot discern the internal struggles we face. Just today someone surprised me with an internal lie that assaults them. I would never have guessed that battle and it angers me that Satan is speaking such blatant lies.

Instead of listening to the raspy voice of The Albino on The Princess Bride declaring we cannot escape the pit of despair and (cough, cough) better not even try, we must desperately try very, very hard to escape it. It is possible despite what the voice in your head argues! Reach out to someone who is safe and truly loves you and can help renew your hope.

John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” There is hope. Always.