Feels like forever since I wrote. The past few weeks have been consumed with packing, moving, and settling in — all during a crazy pandemic, school year, and other life-changes. But, I feel I must take a pause from hanging another picture or even reviewing my kids’ school work to just sit and tell you about the past few weeks. It’s been…surreal. Emotional. Overwhelming. Stressful. And good. Very good.
My husband constantly peruses Zillow for available homes in our area. Based on some of the choices he shows me, I have a hard time telling how serious he is. Do you really want to live there? Our taste in homes seldom overlaps.
However, in September after a life change occurred, the idea of moving, which had been simmering for years on the back-burner, practically overnight became a relentless pursuit. 2020 was unexpectedly shaking up my life yet again.
I’ll skip the drama with finding and obtaining the actual house we now reside in. And, trust me, there was drama. But there was also prayer. In the end, God placed us in this home where He clearly wants us. And He comforted me greatly by providing some friends who wanted to purchase our former home where we lived for 16 years. Instead, my desk is where I want to focus our attention.
The tall, cream, secretary style desk from IKEA has functioned as my desk for years. The size fit perfectly in our smaller home, and the design maximized the space wonderfully. However, as we contemplated where to place the desk in the new home, we were unsuccessful for days. It didn’t seem to have a spot made for it. And, then suddenly, I realized it would be well suited for the “LEGO room.” Of course, it would no longer be functioning as my desk since the LEGO room is a place I seldom venture into! The design of the desk would allow for completed LEGOs to be displayed on the upper shelves and the lower desk portion to provide plenty of workspace to assemble the beloved toys. My oldest son totally supported the idea. Excellent! My desk would now be a vital part of the boys’ dream room.
Happily satisfied that my desk would now have a perfect location in our new home, I set to packing it up. Many, many papers are on the inside of the cabinet doors and along the inside of the desk area. Little notes. Pictures. Random, random stuff.
As I took down the first item, out of the blue, emotion started to well up within me. One more item made it down before I had to full on stop and go to my room and have a major cry. What in the world was happening to me?!?!?!?!
I understood the emotion of leaving my miscarriages buried “up the hill.”
But letting go of my old desk with hinges that failed to even work properly at times? Why this emotional reaction? And that is when I realized my desk had been a spiritual stronghold for me. The little notes I had purposely displayed were words of encouragement and strength to keep my mind laser focused on truth. The symbolic pictures were also intended to assist my thinking. The drawings from the kids reminded me over and over that I was loved, had made an impact, and still had a God-given mission to fulfill. Repeatedly through the years, I had studied all those random items and renewed my mind. My desk was not merely a work station but also a fortress in this cursed world. Now I was tearing it apart, knowing it would not be resurrected at the new home.
My emotional reaction was so intense, I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to pack up the desk. Doing the only thing I knew to do in that strange, unexpected moment, I grabbed my prayer journal and started writing to God on the floor of my closet. He saw my heart. He understood my pain. He knew more clearly than I did what in the world was taking place in that confusing moment. Thankfully, the process of writing calmed me, brought me clarity, and helped me let go of a place that had been so special. I concluded the prayer, returned to my desk, and packed it away without further tears, assured that God would still be with me despite the removal of this particular fortress.
Moving was emotional for me. 16 years in one place. First home purchased as a couple. Place where all four of my kids first called home. But the time to release it all had arrived. Though I didn’t find that easy to do, by God’s grace and the presence of a lot of friends on moving day, I let go. I am writing you from our new house where I am striving to make it feel like home. It has our stuff in it, but three weeks have passed and it feels like we are having an extended stay in an Airbnb. I don’t know how long it will take to feel like home. But we are here now. And I finally found a new desk that fits where I need it to go. I’m sitting here. And I’m going to be okay.
The old desk is perfect in the LEGO room.
Change has affected all of us this year. Life has been shaken. For some, on repeat. But God is our true stronghold. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He will hold us through every change. Cling to Him!
“The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, A stronghold in times of trouble; And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.”
Psalms 9:9-10 NASB