I love that marital discord does not typically concern monumental moments but minuscule ones like when I want to throw away the four leftover breakfast sausage links and my husband wants to keep them. Apparently this is suddenly a very important decision with immense consequences for each of us.

My husband and I have a lot of tools in our belt now from marriage counseling. But when the leftover sausage came into the picture, it was a true test if we would remember all the tools we had at our disposal.

Marriage is going to be tricky at times. We love each other, but we are still human. No matter how long you have been married, no matter how many marriage counseling sessions you have been to, and no matter how many books you have read, at the end of the day, you are still two humans trying to make this marriage thing work.

The key is how well do we work through these turbulent moments that will inevitably pop up on occasion. Do we timely use our tools in the moment? Do we even take the time to acquire tools? Do we even realize we need tools?

Here is how the sausage moment played out for us.

I internally knew I needed a moment. I needed to step away. I needed to calm down. Because inside me the volcano was no longer dormant and I needed to deal with it. Did my husband notice at this moment? Not sure. We literally had only said about three sentences over the sausage, but internally I knew I needed to breathe, step away, get calm, think clearly, and then reengage. So I did. Sometimes the tool that is needed is just a 20 minute breather. The reality is that sometimes we get a little emotionally overwhelmed, and we actually need to step away from a conversation, cool down, then reengage. So, the first tool chosen was used successfully. Awesome!

My cool down period really did help this time. Initially in the moment I could only remember tool one (step away). No other tools came to mind. However, by stepping away, my brain began to recall other helpful tools our counselor had given us. The “Take 2” tool was the one I realized was perfect for this situation. Crazy I had not initially thought of it since I so often use it. Thankfully I had at least remembered to step away instead of start world war 3. Now I would reengage with the handy dandy Take 2 tool.

Upon returning home from dropping off a child at school, I entered the kitchen where my husband was and I said, “We need to do a take 2 on the sausage.” He agreed.

We ended up needing a “take 3” and a “take 4” and even a “take 5.” No worries. That happens. The key with saying “Take XYZ” is that it clues the other person into the fact that something about what was said or the tone used did not sit well with the recipient. Something needs to be tweaked. The person is then able to reevaluate and self-correct.

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I wrote the above several months ago before I was apparently interrupted and had to abruptly pause. I never got around to finishing the post, and now as I reread it, the leftover sausage moment is only a distant memory. Sorry to leave you hanging, but perhaps that is the best takeaway. These moments become distant and forgettable, but they are shaping the character of our marriage. How we handle these minor disruptions matters. We need humility, tools, and perseverance.

Once again I write what I am desperately trying to live out myself. Two decades into marriage and with all the work we have put in, I expected that we would be past these type of issues, but that is not the case. Will we continue to love for better or for worse? Or were we merely uttering empty promises when those words slipped so easily from our lips before they were truly tested in the less pleasant moments of marriage?

Another recent marriage counseling session shed further light on the matter.

My big question was around understanding expectations in the big picture of marriage. When would I ever reach that “no more conflict” stage of marriage? I was starting to despair. When would Ryan and I no longer hurt one another through conflict?

Come to find out conflict is actually something I need to expect, accept, and realize can be good for our marriage. That was a shocker! Conflict is the “iron sharpens iron” part of marriage (Proverbs 27:17). The refining. The sanctification process. Conflict is how we actually grow. These minuscule moments actually provide the opportunity to improve our relationship. A marriage with no conflicts is unhealthy the counselor informed us. Those couples are avoidant and/or child-centered and could very well end in divorce come the empty nest stage when the common goal of raising kids is largely complete.

Furthermore, the counselor surprised me by informing us that we were doing really well and had grown significantly since we first met her. She took us back in time reminding us of some of the unhealthy relationship patterns we had initially exhibited. Yes, we had significantly grown. Still having issues does not necessarily indicate an unhealthy marriage. My despair was a result of unknowingly having unrealistic expectations, which reminds me of this post when I discussed the impact of expectations.

The key to a healthy relationship is not the absence of conflict but the ability to repair the relationship at the point of conflict, according to our counselor. To recognize the cycle. To break the cycle. To then repair.

“The cycle” might be an unfamiliar term in this context. I will attempt to explain. Person one gets upset over something and reacts in a way that person two is then upset by and now reacting. Basically the two lovebirds are suddenly repeatedly triggering each other and pushing each other’s buttons (most likely unintentionally and with zero awareness) and the whole situation is suddenly escalating out of nowhere. Think leftover breakfast sausage links.

When I noticed my own internal mild but very real volcano over the sausage links, I had successfully recognized that the cycle had begun. The next step was to “break the cycle.” Easier said than done. But thankfully after I used a couple “tools” we have picked up in marriage counseling, the cycle was broken. We now had the opportunity to repair the relationship. As I have already stated, in this particular incident I do not recall what happened next. But even that reality probably indicates we successfully repaired it. The idea of repair is you each acknowledge and own your contribution to the conflict and affirm the relationship leaving each other feeling loved and secure in the relationship.

When will Ryan and I stop stop having conflicts? Only when death separates us. Until then, we will earnestly strive by God’s enablement to keep our marriage vows to love one another for better or worse.

Who knew that four leftover sausage links could lead to so much insight? Who knew that hard marital moments are not the end of the world and actually should be expected, accepted, and used to enhance the relationship?