Being married for over twenty years has provided Ryan and me countless opportunities to “fight” about all sorts of things. So, what has been our worst fight? Deciding whether to spend $20 or not.
“Seriously?!” you ask.
Big sigh. Serious.
One of us wanted to spend $20. One of us did not. Thus started a minor civil war.
Think I’m crazy? Or can you humbly relate? A seemingly small, innocent matter suddenly escalates to something of great magnitude and consequence. A hill definitely worth dying on for sure. What causes these unpleasant, unexpected moments between two people who have vowed to love each other till death do them part?
Our knowledgeable marriage counselor has skillfully and compassionately helped us understand that moments like this are not at all about $20. The seemingly obvious issue is merely a surface level issue. What is swirling deep in the heart and mind of each combatant is the real matter at hand that needs to be brought to the surface and dealt with.
The good news? Arguments over inconsequential issues are a great opportunity to actually improve your relationship. I know it does not feel like that, but these disagreements signal that something important under the surface has been touched. Take time to figure out that hidden something and you can better know yourself and your spouse and what makes each of you tick. However, on occasion, accessing this information, even within your own heart, can prove hard to accomplish. An objective third party in the form of a good marriage counselor can be tremendously helpful in reaching this goal.
Next time you find yourself in a face-off with your spouse or some other person in your life over something dumb, remember this is an opportunity to start digging to unearth the real issues for each of you. I guarantee you, it’s not about the $20.
I’d like to thank my husband for letting me publish this vulnerable post. After reading it, he shared a hilarious video with me of comedian Nate Bargatze talking about an argument he and his wife had over chocolate milk. Good times.
Elizabeth Grace Neal 
I’m on my 9th year of marriage to my 2nd husband and everything you wrote about today really resounds with me. You’re right – it’s rarely about the $20 or the cupboard doors my husband doesn’t shut or the lights I like to leave on all night…it’s about things beneath the surface. Once we figure them out and TALK OPENLY about it, it helped us understand each other more and brought us closer together. I pray blessings and favour upon your 20plus year marriage. That in itself is very special indeed.
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Thank you for your comment and the prayer! May you two keep getting closer and closer as well!
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