The aim for many in marriage is faithfulness, yet a number fail even when they seem to value the idea. Prominent men in ministry topple. How is this possible? What can we do to ensure faithfulness? Though I have been married almost 23 years, only recently have I begun to grasp the concept of being purposefully emotionally faithful in addition to merely physically faithful. The two go hand in hand.

In general, physical lines are rather black and white and on everyone’s conscience to some degree. If a married person were to passionately kiss someone not their spouse, a clear line in the sand has been obviously crossed by both parties with the two participants totally comprehending that reality. There is no gray. No fuzzy. No lack of clarity.

However, what married person would start kissing someone out of the blue? Perhaps a drunk or completely hypocritical one, but most likely the person had to venture way too close emotionally before being tempted by Satan to cross physical lines. The invisible connection had to occur before the visible connection. The intangible had to precede the tangible. But how did Satan successfully lure someone in on that initial emotional front? For starters, naïveté. As Proverbs 27:12 says, “A prudent man sees evil and hides himself; the naive proceed and pay the penalty.”

Frustratingly, in my attempt to become more prudent, I have discovered emotional lines are significantly more subtle and complex than physical lines and sometimes not on my radar at all. Consequently, the possibility of inadvertently crossing them is uncomfortably high and a compelling reason to thoroughly analyze them, not only for my own benefit but yours as well. Consider the following.

The second most important command God gave us is to love others. (Mark 12:31) When a married person repeatedly feels loved and encouraged by someone who seems to be obeying that second commandment, and longs to interact more to continue experiencing that love, where is the emotional line? Can they both equally detect it? Do they simultaneously cross it? Would a third party perceive any danger? Do you see any danger? How hard would it be for the one feeling loved to say no to any physical advances if the one showering loving words and actions proved to lack integrity? Emotional lines are ambiguous to say the least, and to cross them is to place oneself in grave danger without perhaps even realizing it.

So, what’s the solution? First, cutting off all interaction between the two genders cannot be the answer. Remember the woman at the well in John 4:7-27? Christ compassionately engaged with her with no disciples around to keep tabs on their conversation. Remember grieving Mary and Martha after their brother’s death? Christ directly showed them tremendous compassion, even weeping with them. (John 11:20-35) Remember the woman who loved Jesus so much she wet His feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair? Christ received her attention without rebuke but instead with public praise and protection. (Luke 7:36-50) Males and females were not created to function in two separate emotional worlds. From the very beginning to the time of Christ to now, the two genders were made to intersect. Second, arbitrarily creating well-intentioned man-made add-ons to Scripture, like the Billy Graham rule, bypasses the heart, can give a false sense of security, hinder sensitivity to the Spirit’s leading, foster self-righteousness, and produce potentially other negative consequences, which is all a discussion for another day. So, I ask again, what is the solution to our perplexing dilemma?

The key to emotionally guarding the heart is awareness. Some people we are drawn to. Some we are not. How wisely we interact with those we naturally connect to has a tremendous impact on our lives. Naïveté can breed funkiness. Awareness can breed faithfulness. We desperately need awareness.

We must understand and be keenly aware of our own vulnerabilities, tendencies, weaknesses, internal reactions, and Satan’s crafty ways that tend to work with us. To concretely grow in our awareness of emotional lines so we can better stay faithful overall to our spouse, here are ten tips.

TEN TIPS TO STAY FAITHFUL

1. Set your heart to be loyal to your spouse. Satan is incredibly deceitful and crafty, but if your heart is purposely, consistently set on loyalty to your spouse from the outset, you are headed in the right direction. However, if you believe the grass is greener on the other side, you are pointing yourself in the wrong direction from the start. Your spouse may not be perfect (whose is?), but are you committed to your spouse for better or for worse till death do you part? Are you loyal? To clarify, loyalty does not mean tolerating abuse, whether it be sexual, emotional, verbal, physical, or substance. To show loyalty in those heartbreaking situations, humbly follow Matthew 18:15-17, Romans 13:1-4, and Galatians 6:1, 7-9.
2. Strengthen your marriage. How happily married are you at the moment? Are the struggles increasing or decreasing? Are you feeling more irritated with your spouse, misunderstood, disconnected, etc. or less? Your perception of your spouse and your relationship significantly influences your willingness to sail across emotional lines. A strengthening, protective measure to seriously consider is marriage counseling. If that is not an option, consider individual counseling, to at least work on your part of the relationship. Additionally, books, podcasts, and/or a mentor can be beneficial. Take ownership. Do not settle for the status quo. Be proactive.
3. Be conscientious of enjoyable connections. We most likely will not be crossing emotional lines (at least the type we are discussing!) with someone that drives us crazy and who we naturally want to avoid in the first place. Hopefully that is stating the obvious. What is not so obvious is the importance of paying attention to those relationships with the opposite sex, especially peers, that we actually enjoy. We would be wise to pause and evaluate if conscientious behavioral changes are needed for better protection within the relationship while also maintaining loyalty to our spouse. Who do you really enjoy talking to? Whose encouragement do you find especially strengthening? Who do you totally trust? Who makes you smile inside? Who intellectually stimulates you? Who do you perceive as really understanding and getting you? Who stands out as exemplary in areas your spouse struggles in? Who is attractive to you? Who seems really kind? Who do you feel totally at ease with? Now that you have pinpointed those people that do the opposite of drive you crazy, do you sense a need to make any behavioral adjustments? Have you gotten too familiar? Communicated too frequently? Shared too much? Become texting buddies? Of course, this is all very gray, which, to be completely honest, greatly frustrates me. But emotional lines are simply not black and white, no matter how much I wish they were. We must accept the grayness of it all and exercise discernment. The goal is to recognize these enjoyable relationships are where the caution lights get turned on. We can enjoy these connections – to a point. Pray God gives you discernment.
4. Expose inner tension regarding those natural connections by talking to a carefully-selected, wise, highly trusted individual who can help you more clearly perceive any lines being crossed and how to best guard your heart in your specific situation. This extremely vulnerable and humbling act is absolutely essential. Your mind will try to convince you to keep the struggle to yourself lest others think you are crazy. If you do find the courage to speak, your mind might then try to convince you the person will use your revelation against you in the future. They may, and I am extremely sorry if you experience that reality. Nevertheless, despite the real risks of opening up, ongoing internal tension around a relationship is a big red flag that something needs to be addressed and most likely will require outside objective eyes to speak into the situation. Victory seems to only come with exposure. As to the potential fallout from sharing, Romans 8:28 provides comfort. God will work even that for good. He promised.
5. Accept you need no one. Let me explain! While we are designed by God to need people in general, we do not need any specific person ever (Genesis 2:18; Psalm 118). For example, the “Good Samaritan” that enters your life at a low point and shows you much needed compassion can feel like someone you should never let go of, leading to an unhealthy emotional attachment. However, despite your deep gratitude, you do not need this specific person. You need God. Be in awe at God who sent you exactly the right person at exactly the right moment for exactly the right circumstances. God is more than capable to repeat this display of power and personal love by sending another “Good Samaritan” should your circumstances necessitate it. God is the true rescuer. He wants you to cling to Him, not to any of the flawed humans He uses to show you mercy and grace. Intentionally avoid becoming overly attached, which might take conscious effort after all the good that person legitimately did in your life. Intentionally avoid over sharing with or overly depending upon the compassionate person, which again might feel counterintuitive since they are so selfless and available. Pour your heart out to God. Psalm 62:8, “Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah.” Your spouse is designed to be in your life till death do you part, but other relationships, even valuable and important ones, are to be more fluid. Loosely holding onto the people you cherish will actually enhance your relationships. Another counterintuitive reality.
6. Do not be deceived. When a compassionate person comes along in your utter brokenness, your mind can be deceived into believing that person is the most loving individual and understands you like no other, including your soulmate. Meanwhile, the warm fuzzies you had back in the day over your personally selected spouse may have cooled significantly after living together 24/7 and constantly having a front row seat to the glaring imperfections. A dichotomy now exists in your mind between these two people that does not reflect reality and can dangerously pull your heart off course. How easy would it be to resist physical advances from a person you perceive as totally getting you? It is imperative to not allow yourself to be deceived into believing someone totally gets you. Only God totally gets you (Psalm 139). Work hard at believing reality. See the “perfect” person accurately, flaws and all. See your spouse accurately, strengths and all. Additionally, be long-suffering with the person you covenantally vowed to love while also remembering every other person you encounter is in reality a very flawed human being, regardless of what you perceive.
7. Consider others’ perspectives. Ask close, knowledgeable, honest friends if they think you are involved in any unhealthy emotional attachments. Has your spouse expressed concern over any of your relationships? What about your parents, siblings, children, mentor, boss, co-workers, or pastor? Has anyone in your life voiced concern over a relationship you have with a peer of the opposite sex? Take their perspectives seriously. Since they cannot see your heart, something in your words or actions must be raising a red flag in their minds. At a minimum, ask what is causing them to be concerned and self-correct if necessary.
8. Engage with your own gender. Some have become a bit disillusioned with their own kind after one too many betrayals, abandonments, or deep disappointments by close friends, mentors, or parents and would rather keep the whole lot at arm’s length. But Titus 2:3-5, a God-given marital safeguard, specifically calls for older women to encourage younger women to love their husband and children, which inevitably requires women to move towards one another despite past hurtful experiences with their gender. Common sense says the same goes for men. To be crystal clear, trust should be earned. But the question is, are we willing to engage in the first place or have we come to a point in life for whatever reason where we prefer to forgo closeness with our own gender? That can happen and it can be dangerous.
9. Turn to your spouse. Who do you turn to for advice? Would it be a good idea to ask your spouse that same question first, giving an opportunity to build connection and show you value his perspective? To clarify, by no means does every question or thought need to be run by your spouse, but as a general rule, do you tend to overlook turning to your spouse as a sounding board or a refuge or is he an automatic go-to-person for you? Do you intentionally pursue or bypass your spouse when wrestling with questions or seeking comfort? Why? God has provided the spousal relationship for mutual benefit on so many levels. It was literally the only human relationship that existed in the beginning of time. (Genesis 1-2) That is mind-blowing! If it feels impossible or emotionally painful to turn to your spouse for whatever reason, first, I am truly sorry, and second, I highly re-recommend marriage counseling. A wise, skilled, unbiased, objective third party has the potential to make a world of difference in your ability to turn to your spouse. (Bonus Tip: Your emotional connection to your counselor can veer off course, so stay alert when receiving help.)
10. Most importantly, be fully emotionally attached to God. Be constantly tuned in to the Spirit’s leading inside you. Listen when the Spirit says, “Be careful! Caution! Watch out! No!” He is your Helper (John 14:26). Be in the Word daily, filling your heart and mind with truth. Meditate on it. The Bible is a light to our path in this cursed world. (Psalm 119:105) Meditating on Psalm 139 is a great way to grasp how personal our relationship with God is. Let Him, not another person, fill the voids in your marriage, which all marriages have by default. Pray for your spouse, your marriage, your heart, for discernment, for wisdom, for protection, and for freedom from any unhealthy emotional attachments that you do recognize. God is for you. God is able. Pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17) God must have our whole heart (Matthew 22:37-38). Does He have yours?

Currently, my emotional line antenna is on high alert. I want the same for you. Even after all my deep thinking on the intangible concept, I still wonder what I am not seeing myself. Emotional lines are so complex, and I can feel like I am walking through a minefield. But I find comfort in Proverbs 4:6,

“Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.”

If we are intentionally wisely guarding our hearts and are aware how vulnerable we actually are to go astray, we are on the right track. Eternity will be sweet rest, but till then, we must stay alert!

In closing let the prayer of our hearts be Psalm 139:24, God, “see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”