Ever privately witness something so amazing you want to tell everyone? That’s me. Now. With you.

There is no way I can possibly fully picture for you what happened for you to also reach my current level of ecstasy. By the way, I did purposely choose that word. Ecstasy. “Rapturous delight. An overpowering emotion or exaltation; a state of sudden, intense feeling.” Yep. That is definitely the word I intended. For now, I will give you a sliver of the the story that I believe is reflective of the whole story.

Have you ever done video editing and added music and then done the painstaking work of getting every video included cut to just the right length and matched up to just the right words in the song at just the exact right split-second? Not an easy task. Very time consuming. Super easy to be off slightly, which is super obvious once you are all sitting down watching as a group. Personally, I am speaking from our annual experience of making an hour long home video of the previous year to give as Christmas gifts to the family. This tradition started back at Christmas 2007 when our oldest was one. To say I have spent a few hours video editing is an understatement. Thankfully, the past two years I have been able to hand the reigns over to my oldest, who is actually taking video editing classes. Now he is the one who can fully appreciate the immense work that goes into that “free” little gift we give family members each Christmas.

Don’t worry! This post is not about our annual Christmas video project as exciting as that all is. That’s just the necessary foundation so we are all on the same page about how hard it is to match sound and video. It’s hard. Let’s move on.

Three solid years I have been in deep grief. The deepest I have ever known. Previously, I had already thought I was well acquainted with what a broken heart felt like. That had all just been preparation for this valley, which has often felt unbearable. Just as I cannot help you fully grasp my current ecstasy, I cannot fully describe the valley either. It’s been rock bottom though. For three straight years without relenting. Here is a glimpse. Very close family friends moved far away, which got the ball of grief warmed up and ready to roll. Ironically, at the time, I thought I was in deep grief from that change, but I had no idea what was right around the corner about a month later during the week of Valentine’s 2021. My closest friend I have ever had – friends for almost two solid, beautiful decades – was revealed to be not who I thought she was. As a result of how that all went down, she is completely out of my life. A year after this significantly deep loss as I was still reeling from it, the friends that had moved also decided to vacate our life. It was a slow, long, drawn out process that affected our entire family. Next up an incident at our church we had been heavily involved in for fifteen years and was all our four kids had ever known was the kindling that led to our leaving. My husband described that last part as the most difficult thing he has ever been through. Yep. These have not been fun times.

And that brings us to the present. Last month, I graduated from individual counseling after 8 months of meeting almost weekly with a very skilled, compassionate counselor. Though I have done marriage counseling before, I had never done individual counseling. In one word, it’s intense. Why did I put myself through such helpful torture? To work through the grief of those three losses and the serious impact that they had had on my life. They had wrecked my world and turned everything upside down. I wasn’t joking when I said the valley and grief were deep. It has been a very painful, confusing, hard three years.

But God.

Two beautiful words. I have seen God clearly on the mountaintop, but there is something incredibly heartwarming observing Him at work in the valley of my life.

Of those three areas of grief, losing the family friends that moved was by far the worst. (To be clear, the other two losses were also gut-wrenching and hugely impactful.) I went from never wanting to forget this family to doing everything I could to try to forget them. I started purging items. But it didn’t take long to realize that they had been so deeply imbedded in our lives that I could never purge everything. I had so much that had their fingerprints on it. I hurt so badly. I didn’t know what to do. I simultaneously kept going to counseling and purging. One of the worst aspects was I didn’t understand why I was being abandoned. We had been so close. What had changed? Agony.

Then today. The day before Valentine’s 2024. By the way, all this unexplainable loss began the day after Valentine’s 2021 if you didn’t catch that above. Only God.

Though I had purged so much, there was one thing I had attempted to hide as much as possible from my sight but still leave accessible for the kids. Not everyone grieves the same and though I had often thought of removing the item, I had not felt right about doing so. Until today. I was sitting on my blue living room couch drinking coffee and could just feel the presence of the item. I can’t do this anymore, I thought. It’s gotta go too. Not to the trash or Goodwill but into the grief drawer. Yes, I have a grief drawer.

Going around to the other side of the coffee table and bending down, I lifted up the stack of photo books on the lower shelf to retrieve the bottom one, which was the Shutterfly photo book I had made documenting in great and thorough detail the friendship of our two families. After they had moved, we had gladly visited them at their request. It had been an incredible week seeing God on the mountaintop. Returning home from a major high after the trip, I had immediately put the book together which recounted our very first days together here in Georgia to that amazing trip. Since the book was very comprehensive, I waited until the monthly Shutterfly special of free unlimited pages to make it a bit more affordable. Once the deal hit, I purchased two books. One for us. One for them. They loved it.

Now, in my effort to forget them, it had been quite some time since I had looked at the book. To “move on,” I have found for me I seem to do best with the “out of sight, out of mind” approach. Hence all the purging. It kinda works. But before I put this incredibly special item in the grief drawer, I wanted to look at it. Did I dare? I wasn’t sure. I was already in grief mode though, so I decided to head to the bathroom, close the door, fall to the floor and clutch the book tightly. Once ready, I grabbed my ear buds, put them in, found My Likes playlist on Amazon Music, hit play and opened the book. Heart beating fast, I behold faces I haven’t seen in awhile, even in picture form. Not sure what is about to happen, but here we go, I thought. I felt a strong need to do this.

Pause. I need to tell you more about that My Likes playlist. I enjoy music but am by no means a music junkie. On Sunday afternoon, I had been alone in the kitchen cooking our traditional, annual Super Bowl Chili for forever and had asked our Alexa to play “Christian music.” The device started playing. Sunday morning had been very hard leaving me desperately in need of strength and encouragement for the soul, and so I prayed God would play just what I needed. He did. Many of the songs were new to me, which surprised me since I frequently ask Alexa the same request. Guess the difference this time was I had made a request of God as well. Every time a song played that I liked (which was basically every one), I told Alexa “I like it.” She did her polite response and then saved it for me to My Likes playlist. By the end of food prep, I had a collection of 20 new-to-me Christian songs.

Now back to me on the bathroom floor opening the Shutterfly book for one last time. Slowly, I examined every picture and savored every memory as the playlist provided a soothing effect. This was a hard task but necessary I felt for a reason I could not understand. Perhaps I wanted to honor these once dear family friends before I shoved them in the grief drawer hoping I could finally forget them. Though I felt abandoned, I knew their intentions were good and that they felt they loved me still…they just no longer could have me in their lives. I didn’t get it. I hurt. I kept turning the pages trying to understand what had happened and why God hadn’t “fixed it” like I had pleaded for.

At some point the words of the songs caught my attention and I realized how encouraging they were for the moment. I kept slowly turning pages, remembering, crying, confused. And then the song was precisely timed by a hand way more skilled than mine despite my many annual Christmas video projects. Turning the page about a third of the way into the book, I landed on the two-page spread of the day they had moved away. Four words accompanied the pictures: “Hard to say goodbye.” That was an understatement. That day was so painful. I can still remember the literal, physical pain in my heart that morning as I woke up to the day I had been dreading and that I knew would change our friendship, though I never could have imagined how it would ultimately change it.

Are you ready to be amazed? It’s time to connect the dots with the video editing story.

Right as I turn to this goodbye page. Like the exact moment. “The Commission” by Cain was playing on my brand new My Likes playlist and singing the line “But goodbye is not the end.” This is a lyric that repeats several times in this song, including the final line. The song, which was the twelfth on my new, unfamiliar playlist, is about Jesus having to leave His friends but assuring them this goodbye was not the end. Here is part of the lyrics that were so soothingly and comfortingly playing in my ear buds as I stared down at the pictures from the day when I had to say one of my hardest goodbyes to date.

“Don’t forget the things that I taught you
I’ve conquered death and I hold the keys
Where I go you will go too, someday
But there’s much to do here before you leave

Go tell the world about me
I was dead but now I live
I’ve gotta go now for a little while
But goodbye is not the

End of the journey, the end of the road
My spirit is with you wherever you go
You have a purpose and I have a plan
I’ll make you this promise
I’ll come back again but until then

Go tell the world about me
I was dead but now I live
I’ve gotta go now for a little while
But goodbye is not the end”

In that moment sitting broken in grief on the bathroom floor, I understood two things. Make that three. I understood my goodbye with my friends was not the end. We are forever friends and we will be together in Heaven forever. We will. Second, I needed to use this time apart to tell people about Jesus. Third, God was the most amazing video editor I had ever witnessed. How does He take a brand new playlist I completely randomly make with Alexa two days before full of songs I don’t know and key up the exact appropriate song in real time (i.e. this was a “live video” situation where you only have one attempt to get it right) and line it up precisely as I turn to the exact page it goes with? He only needs a take one. Every time. Only God.

There is so much more to the story from Valentine’s 2021 to Valentine’s 2024, but in conclusion, I’ll say, the weight of my grief clearly lifted after this experience. Why? Because my God is with me, loves me, sees me, and gave me closure. On the very last page I had put a ton of tiny pictures on both the right and left side. A rather cool effect to end the book, I felt. Again, I took my time looking over every single memory. The final two pictures were at sunset. One was my husband and me. The other of the couple who had moved away. When I reached the sunset picture of the couple, I understood. I maybe was fine with how close we all had been, but from all I could gather, they weren’t. They needed space. They needed to move on. They needed to be able to fully focus on the new ministry God had given them. I realized it truly wasn’t personal. They did love me. More importantly, God clearly loved me and knew our friendship really would survive this time apart. Goodbye really was not the end. I understood that by me letting them go, I was protecting both of our families and keeping us on track for where God had specifically called each of us for the next season. It was time to let go and move on.

Relationships are like that. Seasonal. I thought they were meant to be clung to for our entire life. I thought letting go was saying I didn’t think they were valuable. I was wrong. In the valley, I learned my perspective needed to shift. I am not clinging anymore. Not because I don’t love and value people, but because sometimes goodbyes are necessary.

God showed up big time in my grief and brought real healing after three very hard years. Do you also want to know Him? You can get the Bible app and start reading John in the New Testament. Here is a quick link to John online if you find that easier. I would love for you to meet Him too! Friendship with God in this cursed world is hard but oh so sweet and mind-blowing.

I wouldn’t trade all this grief. After realizing my life story, I knew eventually I would be able to say that, if I maintained faith. I just didn’t know when. Today was the day. Today made all the grief worth it. Today God showed up so big in my life. I want Him to do the same in yours.