Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal.

C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, 123.

Several years ago, the kids and I were unloading groceries from the van. While I was in the kitchen, one of the kids ran in unexpectedly announcing that a man was in the driveway. Immediately I returned outside and sure enough a car had pulled into the driveway and a man was walking towards our open garage. As I approached the complete stranger, he began telling me he was a neighbor from around the corner and up the street. His mom had been taken to the hospital and he wanted to be with her. Unfortunately his car was out of gas. Even more problematic was the fact he had no money and his next paycheck wasn’t available until the following day. Did I have any cash I could give him? He’d pay me back the next day. He promised.

Now, you reading this probably see the red flags. However, in the moment looking into his earnest eyes and hearing his desperate plea, I only felt pure compassion for his plight. My wallet contained only $20 of cash, which I apologized for when I handed him the bill. He thanked me and once again assured me he would pay me back the next day. The next day came and went. And the day after. And the day after that. I never heard from him again.

Though it was only $20, I felt so violated. So taken advantage of. Was I wrong to be generous? To show compassion? No. But do you think I will hesitate to grab my wallet the next time a stranger shows up at my door telling me a sob story which ends asking me for cash? You betcha. This minuscule break in trust perfectly illustrates how we naturally become more guarded when loving and trusting someone backfires in our face.

Recently I met a wonderful lady in the middle of North America (literally – we were at the geographical center of the continent, which is in a small town in North Dakota). On her truck she had a bumper sticker which read: “I used to be a people person then people ruined it.” Doesn’t get more accurate than that now does it!

Building, developing, and maintaining relationships has been a significant motivator for me for years. I have been very much a people person. If you were to read back through my past blog posts, you can quickly discern that connection is a core value for me. Looking back further at my high school journals, friendship was a key value then as well. As I raise my kids, I notice many of my decisions regarding them, such as repeatedly taking my oldest all the way to the Midwest so he can attend camp with his best friend, is an effort to pass on this value to the next generation.

However, in more recent years, a growing number of “guys (and gals) in the driveway” have shown up, figuratively speaking. While only a couple have been intentionally deceptive, the cumulative severely broken trust with those I allowed intimate access to my heart has finally impaired my current ability to trust others and easily enter relationships. Though I used to be a people person, people have thoroughly ruined that for me. A skilled counselor is gently walking me through the relationship rubble to help me find my footing again. A book we’re going through, which has been beneficial, is Angry With God: A Honest Journey Through Suffering and Betrayal.

Shockingly, despite me becoming slightly terrified of people, God so hardwired me for connection that I nevertheless still feel a drive to reach out – however not the same as I did in the past. Half of me is completely paralyzed with fear and grief to the point that befriending someone on Facebook was a major act of courage, which took weeks to muster. I’ve never been in such a weird space and I am sorry if you can relate. Hopefully most of you are as clueless as I used to be.

As I am processing the pain and confusion and the future, this question surfaced in my mind: will I be brave enough to love others again? That’s what it boils down to, right? Courage. Bravery. Stepping into a relationship is no longer a carefree activity. Life has shown me the disturbing truth that two hearts knit tightly together can unravel almost instantaneously and without any warning and without any hope of repair. Even more disturbing, life has shown me this can happen not with just one close relationship, but two, three, and even more – and all practically simultaneously. What can possibly make me brave enough to venture anywhere near the vicinity of the heart of another imperfect person?

Thankfully, as God has ordained I see this reality, He has concurrently revealed an overwhelmingly comforting truth.

The apostle Paul says in II Corinthians 7:6, “But God, who comforts the depressed, comforted us by the coming of Titus.” About three years ago, in the margin of my Bible next to this passage, I started keeping track of my own “Titus” encounters. As I recently wrote down yet another name and date, I was struck with how faithful God has been to send me someone each and every time my heart has endured another blow. It’s unbelievable really. God’s track record of faithfully comforting me through each relationship challenge is giving me significant courage to continue stepping into the scary world of relationships. Though terrified, I am equally confident that if God must crush me for His sovereign purposes (I Peter 1:6; Lamentations 3:32-33), He will also abundantly pour out His compassion and send me yet another “Titus” to strengthen and comfort me. As much as people are the problem, people are also counterintuitively the solution. Running from people as a whole is to run from a major source of healing and comfort.

However, I recommend we prayerfully advance towards new people. Prior to this transitional point in my life, I would see someone I wanted to get to know and reflexively pursue them. Though I would thank God later on for the friendship, I do not recall consulting with Him about the friendship upfront. That Elizabeth no longer exists. I am not sure what Elizabeth will emerge when all the dust settles, but she definitely has added a lot of prayer to the friendship making process. And she is taking things slow. Sloth slow for the time being. This is a radical shift in my approach to friendship. As friendships begin to form, and they will because God designed us for community not isolation, Proverbs 3:25-26 gives sound advice, “Do not be afraid of sudden fear…for the LORD will be your confidence.”

If you relate to this post so far, then you will also probably understand how triggers can be a severe obstacle and have experienced them as you gradually ease into new relationships. We must learn to face our triggers head on and speak truth to ourselves about the new, present moment offered us. We must consciously remind ourselves that the person in front of us is not the same person from the past. We must allow two individuals to exist and not merge them into one, who only represents the person who broke trust. When the first mental siren sounds, we need to guard against automatically demoting the new person to being untrustworthy. When our mind feels threatened, we must separate the past reality from the present reality. What is real in this moment? Feeling unsafe is not the same as being unsafe. Just because another complete stranger pulls into my driveway and my heart races does not automatically mean I am being taken advantage of again. The second time this situation happened to me the guy was innocently dropping off a political flyer. Not every “person in the driveway” will break trust. Seek to separate the past from the present.

One of the greatest blessings from the brokenness I have experienced is gaining insight into God’s grief. We talk so much about God being a God of love and He is. But consequently God also knows the deep pain of His closest companions completely turning their backs on Him (Luke 22). God experientially knows broken trust. Look for that reality as you read throughout all of scripture and be encouraged.

While Jesus, knowing how unreliable people are, fully empathizes with our situation, people are the exact reason Jesus left Heaven to enter time and space, die on the cross, and be raised from the dead. He is in the process of slowly transforming the situation. Have patience in this current age (II Peter 3:9-13). Obeying the second greatest command, love people, requires vulnerably engaging with people (Matthew 22:36-40).

Earnestly pray for guidance, wisdom, and discernment, and knowing God is holding us, courageously wade into the waters of connection at your own necessary pace. You may prefer one on one meetups at first. On the other hand, casual one-off group gatherings might be more your thing for the time being. The key is to dip your toe in an environment that feels at least somewhat emotionally safe and grow your trust in God’s design for us to live in community, imperfect as it is. Through it all, as Casting Crowns sings, Just be Held.